I am profoundly moved today to talk about something many of us feel, but are afraid to admit.
No matter how much we may fear death (or not), no matter how much we may love life (or not), some of us yearn to get off this crazy planet and get some down time. Yes, some of us secretly want to die.
That doesn't make us suicidal; that's a very different, destructive energy. One which we'll talk about at a later date. What most of us desire in those moments is simply a time out.
Life is insanely intense. The more conscious we become, the more we feel the entire spectrum of emotion. Feeling is fucking hard. Holding space for the energy of the entire multiverse is literally mind blowing (by design). And even the most graceful, joyful, uber-aware among us wish for an exit so we can, oddly enough, breathe.
I was deep on Ayahuasca one night, begging for a break. Internally, I ran in every direction trying to escape the unbelievable force that had taken over me. I wanted out. I NEEDED out. And Aya, ever the wise, motherly sage, whispered to me:
You can't escape infinity.
Instead, she helped me feel more grounded. She helped me trust myself. She helped me see that the resistance I was feeling came directly from the stories in my head. If I could find a way to stop obsessing about how hard things were, how much I didn't want to feel, it actually wasn't so bloody difficult.
Easier said than done. And no, I didn't succeed.
But I did survive. It's like the last few minutes of an intense workout. Those times you want to quit are when the most amount of work can be accomplished. The same is true for our emotional and spiritual journeys. We can't know what we're made of until we push the edges of what we think we can handle.
At the same time, it's totally OK that sometimes we hit a breaking point. It's totally normal that sometimes we see death as a time for rest and escape - and that sounds goddamn precious in those moments. Making space for that resistance is a beautiful thing. Loving the part of yourself mired in that chaos is part of the healing.
So the next time you're longing for a cosmic time out, sit with it. Own it. And then dare to stare through those thoughts and feel the truth. There is no escaping infinity. And you CAN handle it all. Self care is the cure all for that space - spoil yourself with healthy food, relaxation, and whatever relief you can muster. This too shall pass. And death will find us soon enough.